Sometimes our inner eyes remain shut for many years…trying to close out the things in our lives that are messy, imperfect,both difficult and uncomfortable to see;sometimes they remain closed because of our determination to “see” things our way. Sometimes they cannot open, because we are just too tired to make the effort – but when our eyes are closed, and we are not legally blind, we will continue to stumble over obstacles, bump into things blocking our way forward, and ultimately just stop…and have to stand still, to avoid calamity.
I have deliberately kept my eyes squeezed tightly shut for more years than I care to admit to. There has been so much that didn’t fit into my picture of the life I wanted to live, and like my early childhood years, I learned to create illusion in my head, to replace the scenes I didn’t want to adjust to.
The problem with that, is that when you are so intent on blocking out the unpleasant and disturbing things that are always in life, you miss seeing the beautiful, the sweet, the loveliness and peacefulness of much of the world that is around us if we will only open our eyes with the INTENT to see the good.
Last year, when I had to have my open heart surgery, my heart was trying to tell me “open your eyes”. I wasn’t ready, and so it simply gave out…quit working. I said last year, that it was a year of “wake-up” calls, but I didn’t wake-up. Instead I squeezed my eyes more tightly shut, trying to pretend my illusions were reality.
This year of 2012, the end of my 73rd year, I have seen it as a year of letting go. All I have felt has been the pain of letting go…of the illusion I was so desperate to believe – the second time in my life I have been faced with the same experience. The pain creates enormous anger, the most toxic emotion for our physical, emotional and spiritual body.
This last week, I was asked, “So, how do you see this playing out?”
I could only answer, “Not well”. The question was posed, “So, if you can’t change the reality,because you have no control,what CAN you change? I had to answer, “myself”. I’ve been trying to do that for the last several days, “pretending” things were better than I believed. It’s been OK, but not the answer. Last night I had a powerful dream, in which I was so angry at a mob of people having a party, and trashing my beautiful house, I screamed and yelled at them until I was exhausted. I could even hear myself talking the angry words in my sleep. This morning, I woke up and when I opened my eyes, I saw the actual beauty of my house. I suddenly remembered that “seeing” the good (which means opening your eyes), is the way to block out the messy and unpleasant. I’m actually writing this blog outside, on my deck, surrounded by many species of birds, all feeding out of the two small dishes of bird seed, I keep filled; a pair of fat doves, bluejays, nuthatches, spotted towhees, wrens, sparrows…all taking turns at the dishes. Two hummingbirds sat on the branch I have stuck in the flag holder, a complete phenomenon, they are so territorial. I thought to myself, “I wonder if they are courting?” They both flew off and landed in the birch tree standing next to the house.
The day is beautiful, the world around me is beautiful…it’s been here all along. All I had to do was open my eyes to see it.